Dear Blog Diary,
I have not posted on here in so so long. A lot has changed since we last spoke.
1) I am a senior in college with a paid internship (sounds pretty great, right?)
2) I am going to LA next semester like I had always planned!
3) I am in love with the greatest guy I have ever met. :)
That last one sounds pretty gushy, doesn’t it? But it is true! After dealing with DanDouche for far too long, I am now in a relationship with the man I intend to marry. I have never been so happy in my whole life!
I’ve heard that during the first 2 years of a promising romantic relationship you are utterly infatuated with your partner to the point of obsession. You spend all of your time with them and when you are apart for just a few moments you miss them terribly, day dreaming about the moment you reunite. You talk openly about your love for one another and your ideas about a shared future. Your happiness level peaks with the deep and tender connection you have with your significant other, one you’ve never had with anyone before; one that continues to surprise you in magical ways; a love that you don’t have to question, but must accept completely because of its undeniable power.
I feel pretty lucky to have found that is 22.
It is a dreadfully hot summer’s morning; around 11 o’clock. MEL’s 2005 maroon four runner sits next to RAY’s vehicle, a 2002 black ford truck. Both are parked in the driveway of RAY’s rent house: a generic looking house for a college aged male: red-bricked, with overgrown plants, yellowed grass and a flag hanging by the door with his school’s name and colors. The garage door is open, displaying a grungie looking couch which sits next to a beer pong table. Posters of 90’s punk bands are scattered along one wall. On the opposite wall there is a glowing Coors Lite sign, a dart board, and a hand drawn display of the most recent beer pong tournament, along with the results. Red Solo cups scatter the garage, but over all it is not in too bad of shape for a couple of hipster college dudes.
MEL waits patiently in the driver’s seat. The car is on, the air conditioning is on high, and Lana Del Ray is heard singing through the speakers. Her boyfriend, RAY, smoothly leans in the rolled down window for a smooch. ALICE and TANNER stand facing each other, 2 feet apart, next to the passenger door.
Camera moves back to shot of TANNER and ALICE’s profiles facing each other.
This is always the most awkward part of the night.
Well, it’s morning now, but, yeah. I agree. (beat)
Can I get your number?
Yeah…sure, definitely. Totz. It’s uh…
TANNER hands ALICE his phone for her to type in her phone number.
Oh. right. Yes, we do live in the digital age…heh, I can-uh, yeah.
she types in her number
Here ya go.
she hands the iPhone back to TANNER, forcing her gaze away from his big, brown eyes.
Cool. I’ll text you my number.
An awkward silence ensues as it becomes increasingly difficult for ALICE to maintain her focus at eye level, which happens to be directly at TANNER’s midsection, because he is about a foot taller than her. ALICE attempts to buy herself some time before she is forced to look up at his attractively unshaven jaw line and say her goodbyes. She scans her view for anything that catches her eye that could possibly be a good conversation starter…her eyes settle on the expensive looking, large, golden watch rapped around his wrist with a brown leather band.
…that’s your watch!
She instead comes up with a conversation ender. ALICE slowly looks up, eyes squinting, as to possibly keep herself from having to see just how bad his reaction may or may not be to that embarrassing line she just gave. TANNER ignores the comment.
Can I kiss you?
Yes. Please do.
TANNER wraps his arms around her little frame. ALICE places her hands on his chest as her heels come of the ground so her lips can reach his. TANNER leans down for 3 perfect little pecks on the lips. Then, slowly, their lips part as their eyes open and they smile. They share a sweet simple moment of joy together. He reaches for the car door. It’s locked. He looks through the window to see that MEL and RAY’s smooch has turned into a full on make out sess. Their joyful moment is over; back to awkwardness. TANNER knocks on the window. MEL breaks from RAY’s lips.
Oh. Are you ready to go now?
What? oh. Yes. (beat) The door’s locked.
Oh. Sorry. My B!
As she reaches over to unlock the passenger door, RAY grabs her hand through the window and starts kissing her hand, then her arm, her shoulder, pulling her back toward him to kiss her neck. MEL starts to giggle and then proceeds to give him a few more kisses before they have to part ways.
TANNER, like the southern gent he is, opens the door for ALICE, who tries to be graceful as she enters MEL’s vehicle.
So…you’ll text me?
Yes. I most certainly will.
TANNER leans in for one more peck.
I had fun. It was nice meeting you.
Me too. I’ll see you later?
Yeah, I hope so. Peace out.
TANNER closes the door and waves at ALICE as MEL pulls out of the driveway.
Once they are out of the boys’ view, ALICE cradles her head in her hands and makes a strange noise to express her embarrassment regarding her goodbyes with TANNER.
arghhhh I am so embarrassing!
Ha ha…What? Why? you guys looked cute! what happened?
(begins laughing, almost hysterically)
I had…the WORST line ever. I—oh my gosh-it was so bad. It was so embarrassing.
…what did you say??
ugh…I don’t want to say it. It was so bad.
Al. You have to tell me. You HAVE to!
ugh…Fiiinne. We were saying our goodbyes, and I was trying so hard not to make eye contact because I was too scared to look up at him because he is reallly cute. So I was just looking at his clothes and I saw his watch…and I thought, well, we kind of talked about his watch for some reason last night…so I said, ” That’s your watch!”
Oh man. That is one of your best. And by best I mean worst. That is really funny. That makes no sense… why would you say “That’s your watch?”
I told you my reasoning! I know it doesn’t make any sense! I looked so lame. Oh, and not to mention, I was using terms in our conversation that should be reserved only for use with you or Shawn or other people who know how weird I can be.
Like, totz and coolio foolio and peace out…
Oh please. That is not that bad. At least you didn’t bring out the big stuff like, redonkuliscious, or jank-stank…and you did say that one thing about his watch, so that automatically cancels out the other embarrassing shit you threw in there.
Hey! (beat) Yeah, I guess you’re right.
But it sounds like it didn’t phase him much. That’s a good sign, right?
Yeah, he seemed oblivious to the watch line. Cuz he asked to kiss me goodbye right after. Yanno, while you and RAY were swapping spit.
oooo-eee how adorablllle. He loves you. And whatev you are just jelly.
I don’t have to be jealous because I Tottalllayyy rocked his world last night and blew him away with my quick whittedness the next morn! booyah. I am so smooth and he wants me and that is that. He betta get in line gurl cuz they alllll want me. Cuz I is smooth.
ha ha…yes. Very smooth, Al. Very smooth. Speaking of last night…
Like I said, I rocked his lil world.
was it lil?
Mel! I cannot disclose this kind of top secret information!
Al. You have to. This is girl talk. I have to be informed of every single detail of you rockin his lil-or not so lil- world.
Honestly…I don’t really remember one way or the other. I mean, we didn’t even go that far. I think it was pretty average. Not small…Tanner Kauk’s kauk was not too bad. (pronounced cowk)
Is that his last name? That’s awesome. That is what we are calling penises from now on.
Wow, you actually said penis. You are usually too embarrassed, like when you try to say nipple.
ew, do not say that word in front of me! yeah, I guess that I was more comfortable saying it knowing that I now have another word to use in its place. So I wont have to utter said word ever ever again! I can just say kauk now! Thanks, Tanner Kauk!
Yes, thank you for conveniently having a last name that sounds similar to the word cock. (beat) Man I wonder what they’re gonna say about me…I wonder if he likes me.
I bet they are talking about how you rocked his averaged sized world RIGHT NOW.
Pulls up to her apartment. MEL turns off the car and they both just sit there for several moments, too comfortable to get out just yet.
Get out. You get out right now.
Here I am, home for the holidays. I am here with my parents, my puppies and my pals. It’s nice to be home; to feel safe and sound; to be comfortable in this space again and not feel a strange uneasiness because things are changing. A change in scenery every so often is now the norm. Hopping from one place I call home to the next and making each my own, but also knowing that each place is only temporary. Until someday I have my own place with my own things. Things I chose to all fit together. Things that I will keep clean and comely. That I can rearrange and diversify on my own time on my own dime. Hopefully it will be more than a dime in the future, though. Hopefully I will be finding success in the art of acting, honing my craft and living my dream. Stella Adler believes that “growth as an human and growth as an actor are synonymous.” I believe that having a library of experiences to draw from is essential to a realistic portrayal of a character, so one must experience any and every type of life one can, recording each one for any future excavation of similar life. So as I attempt to reach my dreams I set out on the journey of life; a life lived to the fullest in each home that I find.
But, please, don’t wish me luck; just tell me to break a leg.
I prefer writing over typing, but when typing is the only method of recording my stream of consciousness, I’ll take it.
I had to stop typing for a moment to observe the road obstruction: four 5 point bucks scrambling to stay together, crossing the highway. One almost didn’t make it, but darted across just in time (the oncoming traffic wasn’t as taken with the scene as my parents and I were). Colorado is so breath taking. The daily scenery never seems to get old. Like the ripple of mountains I see every morning from my balcony acting as the fence to my backyard. It’s not unusual to see a family of deer pass by or hear the beat of a wood pecker off in the distance. It’s peaceful. Even if I am living with a person I have grown to hate. Despite my best efforts, I still feel connected to him. I know him too well. I know his tricks; his habits. I know his secrets- at least some. I can feel him lying, judging…lusting. I see him too clearly now. Everything he does makes my skin crawl. I hate the way he describes things as ”incredible” or how often he uses the phrase ”its neither here no there” to get out of explaining himself, or the number of times he has to shower everyday, or the fact that he calls his hair gel “paste,” or the way that he says “okay see ya I’m out” after a failed attempt at being humorous.
I also hate the way that I still think about him regularly, even if those thoughts are now filled with negativity and disgust. They’re still thoughts of him.
So…my peaceful habitat may be interrupted from time to time by the heartless animal that shares my condo…but I’m trying my best to break the ties I have with him. Because I really want nothing to do with him. Nothing at all.
[Color Block Pleat Dress by ASOS]
DEAR BLOG DIARY
I am one final away from being a free, summer spirit blowing in the pine scented winds of Colorado-assuming I still go to Colorado for the summer. I REALLY WANT TO. But it might just be me and DanDouche going…oh, I have many updates for you, Blog Diary. Yes, I do-oo. (that last part is meant to be read like Kell- from Keanan n Kell-says he loves orange soda FYI)
WHERE DO I EVEN START
well, lets see…
My relationship with Dandouche has realllly gotten interesting since we last spoke, Blog Diary. For starters he now lives in my house. (???) I KNOW, BLOG DIARY, I KNOW. His living situation was getting really sucky and he was planning on moving out, but he didn’t have a place to move in to, so I took him under my lil wing and said, “hey, dude, I happen to have an open room cuz of that one bitch who used to live with me who moved out and turned off our electricity.” So he say, “k thx.” I talked it over with my roommie and we agreed it would be weird, but he don’t have no where to go, so if he pay rent, we be cool. I keep it cool. I take my kids to school I don’t lose my temper it’s my only rule I keep it cool…remember that Obama skit on SNL? Pretty funny.
N E WAY…..
So now our unusual non relationship relationship has gotten just a little bit weirder. But it hasn’t been as weird as I thought it would be. At first it was pretty weird…cuz I didn’t know if I should do things like let him know when I got home or kiss him good bye or sleep in my own room or sleep in his room or shower with him after we played soccer or… So I still haven’t figured out all the answers to these questions, but I am close to finding the answer to the meaning of life. So I’ve got that going for me.
Another contributing factor to the weird vibes that were goin on when he first moved in is the fact that I was mad at him. I heard from this one girl that this one girl said that DanDouche said that he feels like he and his XGF are gonna get back together eventually. AND I BE LIKE WHAT????? He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself… or before I wreck him… For serious. That is NOT cool. Why would he want to get back with his ex? I haven’t heard one good thing about her. These are the things I know bout dis B: She cheated on him. TWICE. And then broke up with him. When he moved to Nashville to be with her forever n ever. [BITCH] And one of DanDouche’s old roommies said she is cunt and was mean to DanDouche. SO I WANNA KNOW, LIKE, WHAT IS SO GREAT BOUT HER, HUH? All I know is he should be in love with me because he always says I am awesome @ dirty stuff and I gave him a FREAKIN PLACE TO LIVE.
I feel like punching something.
IM GONNA PUNCH DANDOUCHE WHEN HE GETS HOME.
no I’m not.
Another update. All my pals baled on Colorado cuz their ‘rentz are like, “no, you can’t do that.” But my ‘rentz are like, “omg I am so jeal of ur college experience that ur gonna have in CO zomg go for it we luv u!” It was gonna be me and Jane and DanDan, but now Jane can’t go and it would only be me and DanDan…I KNOW BLOG DIARY I KNOW STOP FREAKING OUT. So IDK what I should do. I really really really wanna go to CO but it would be weird with DanDan and I can’t just tell him no, sorry, you can’t go any more. But if I go by myself I would have to live with my Gma the whole time…and make new frendz.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
Oh and I got screwed over for my living situation next year. WHATEV
Man I have been stressing out about finals all week I forgot about all the other things that have been stressing me out.
GREAT, BLOG DIARY, GREAT. YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?
I don’t wanna talk to you any more. I gotta go. I’ll let you know when I’m OVER IT.
…addicted to chocolate.
(Where does someone go to get a confederate flag prom dress??)